I've noticed that there are certain phrases used by Jamaicans that are near-impossible to define with any precision. Such phrases are really only understood by Jamaicans who have had a lifetime of practical experience in their use.  “Soon come” is the perfect example. (The Trinidadian equivalent, by the way, is "Just now")  The phrase can be used in a variety of ways.  So, if the credit card company calls about an unpaid bill, your simply saying:  "Ah  soon come down dere wid the cheque.  I going to the bank right now" may give you another day or two to play with. (Depending on how often you've used "soon come" before, that is.)  If your irritated wife calls your cell phone at 1am while you're at the bar playing dominoes, a simple "Soon come baby. I jus’ about to give dem bwoy yah six-love" should give you at least another hour's grace. Why? Because, instead of giving a precise time you used the much more vague “soon come” which just means “I’ll be home long before you make a firm decision to divorce me”.  If, however, you had said “I will be home in twenty minutes” and then showed up an hour later you would certainly have been in serious trouble.

There isn't a Jamaican alive who will refute the proverb "All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy". In fact yardies have changed the saying to "Nuff play and little work makes Roy a happy boy".

Though Roy, a healthy Jamaican male, knows that he must go to work to pay either his JPS/Digicel/NWC or baby modda Sonia's hairdressing bills, the thought of work induces pain from his neck-back to his backside.  When Roy thinks of his job, he subconsciously recalls the plantation fields, and quite naturally aims to avoid working as much as possible.

It was certainly interesting to watch the interviews with the athletes at the recently–concluded World Championships. Live interviews give you a reasonable opportunity to get to know the person better. But one sometimes suspects that the athletes are being politically correct or are “sticking to the script” in their responses.  What if we could actually get into the heads of these elite athletes and hear their thoughts before and after a race?  Wouldn’t that be interesting?  As it turns out thingsjamaicanslove.com has obtained access to top-secret software that lets you do just that. (Don’t ask how. We know people that know people…) So, here are some of the things the athletes at the World Championships in Berlin were thinking:

It seems clear to me that Jamaicans are such a distinctive breed that one should be able to spot them anywhere.  Though we may resemble other persons of African descent, Jamaicans (Jamaicanus Cantankerous is the Latin name for the species) are easy to pick out if you know what to look for. But if you have a particular interest in Jamaicans and are finding it difficult to spot them outside of their “natural habitat” (Jamaica) here are a few pointers for spotting Jamaicans in the “wild”.

The first thing to do is to look for the obvious clues.  If you’re on a New York subway going out for a late-evening drink, it should be obvious that the Jamaican in the crowd is the young lady with the low cut blouse who has covered her entire chest, from cleavage to neck, with baby powder.

Jamaicans, being truly original people, will always find their own ways of doing things. This even includes finding new ways to describe body parts.  We’re sure that many a young doctor, fresh from medical school and spending their first few days at Kingston Public Hospital, has been puzzled by the names used by ordinary Jamaicans to describe their “bits and pieces”. So, in the spirit of public service (for which thingsjamaicanslove.com is so well-known), we now present our guide to human anatomy – Jamaican style.

(We apologise if persons find any of the references included herein to be vulgar.  Alas, the language of the Jamaican man-in-the-street is not always known for its subtlety. We’ve also included, in italics, medical terms for the relevant body part where that term is different from the ordinary English reference)

Aise: Ears. What your man used to fill with sweet lyrics when he was still courting you.

This one should be pretty obvious.  Have you ever met anyone other than a Jamaican whose name is Linval? No, of course you haven’t. For whatever reason, there are just some names which seem to be exclusively used by Jamaicans. In a way they are almost “indigenous” to Jamaica. So I’m not saying there isn’t some guy named Everton in China (Everton Chin-Fatt maybe?) but I guarantee you, Everton’s dad is originally from Jamaica.  And I’m not saying there isn’t some guy named Glenroy in Saudia Arabia (Glenroy bin Laden?) but I promise you his mom’s name is Marva and she originally hails from Clarendon. 

Yes man, there’s more… As I explained in Part 1 of this article, being a Jamaican man is not an easy road. In that piece, I listed a few of the numerous and difficult requirements of Jamaican manhood, but there are still further aspects of Jamaican masculinity that must be mastered. If you think you’re man enough to handle it, here are a few more…

You must choose your hobbies carefully. Manly Jamaican men love manly Jamaican hobbies. We believe our spare time should only be spent in vigorous, testosterone-driven activities. Now, that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t enjoy your hobbies, but a critical element in your choice of hobby is that it should demonstrate how capable and macho you are. Hunting, shooting and car racing are therefore excellent choices, as are yachting and horse racing. Deep sea fishing, golf, and polo will also do nicely. Chess, backgammon and yoga, however, do not qualify.

Don’t misunderstand me. I’m not for a moment promoting infidelity or promiscuity. But if we are to be realistic we must acknowledge that, from time to time, men (being simple creatures with powerful needs) will occasionally stray.  When men stray, and don’t get caught, the consequences are usually mild – a troubled conscience being the most likely result.  When men get caught, however, the consequences are often dramatic, severe (for all concerned), and occasionally violent.  It is with this in mind, that I present, as a public service, some guidelines on how not to get caught.

If you must cheat…

Have friends who will lie for you. There is an old joke that attempts to describe the difference between men and women:  A man will call ten of his wife’s female friends and not one of them will be able to say where she is.  A woman, on the other hand, will call ten of a man’s friends and eight of them will claim that he just left their house, while two will claim that he’s still there. Your friends must be the kinds of persons who, if they are roused from sleep at 3am by your irate wife, should be able to quickly construct a story that would persuade a hostile jury in a murder trial. (“Peter, yes man, he's been here all evening playing dominoes. He left here about five minutes ago to drop home Teddy.”)  If said friend is cross-examined on his story five years later he must be able to repeat the story with a straight face, line for line, and without a single error.

Having arrived at the location for your “indiscretions” the following measures are essential:

While a student at a so-called 'brand-name' boy’s school, back in the 80’s, there was a chronic shortage of chairs. This annoying problem usually made the school day one long game of musical chairs for students.  So, for instance, if you took your break at lunchtime, had to go to the science lab or basically went anywhere that required you leaving your classroom, you would often return to find your chair missing. This was quite frustrating and there was really no way of preventing this from happening.

It so happened that one day, to the chagrin of myself and my fellow students, several etchings of male genitalia, apparently done with a sharp-pointed compass, started appearing on some of these chairs. Obviously this was disastrous, since we surely could not afford anymore chairs being taken out of circulation and it did not have to be stated that no boy dared sit on any of these chairs.

Being a Jamaican man is not an easy task. Just figuring out what is required of you is an enormous, confusing challenge that can take a lifetime. At this point in my life I have learned only enough to know that a Jamaican man is expected, nay, required to meet a variety of contradictory and often onerous stereotypes and failing to meet even one can result in one becoming a social leper.

First and foremost a Jamaican man must not be weak. Strength and virility are prized above all else. This strength and virility is expressed in a number of ways.

Firstly, you must love the ladies. I don’t mean you must like the ladies, you must love them. You must love them like Jesus loved the little children. You must love them by the dozen and by the score. You must love them fat or slim. Tall or short. Black, white, red or brown. You must love them in the morning, at noontime and at night. You must love them in St. Elizabeth, Port Antonio and South Korea. I go further. You must love them even when they don’t love you. You must ignore the fact that you are an overweight, bald, toothless pervert and pursue them with the vigor of a young Casanova.

The other day I took a shower at my girlfriend’s house. This was a little unusual for me because usually I don’t bathe anywhere other than in my own home. Its not that I’m a snob or anything, its just that my mother (being a proper Jamaican lady) raised me not to ever be a burden to other people. Being a “burden”, by her reckoning, involved doing anything that caused the least bit of inconvenience, embarrassment or nuisance to others. One did not stay too long at other people’s houses, one did not spill things on other people’s rugs and one certainly never ever showered anywhere other than in one’s own home or maybe the home of a blood relative (and then only after a hurricane or some other natural disaster caused an extended disruption in the supply of water). Anything else would be unseemly.

I made an exception to this ironclad rule only because I was at the home of my established girlfriend (by “established” I mean she had occupied the post for over a month) and because, having slept over the night before, I now desperately needed my morning shower. In any case, I had made extensive preparations for this singular occasion by packing a change of clothes, a towel and a washcloth (known in Jamaica as a “rag”) in my overnight bag. My girlfriend had given me a funny look when I announced that I had packed my own towel (weren’t her towels good enough?), but no worries: I would be a burden to no one. Of that I was sure.

So I made my way to the bathroom and deposited my supplies beside the bathtub.

My girlfriend’s bathroom, by the way, is a rather fancy affair: sponge-painted walls, indigo-coloured marble tiles, full-length mirrors and the like. The “fanciness” extended to the fixtures: the shower controls resembled those of a fighter jet and it took me a good five minutes of fiddling with the faucet and cursing softly under my breath to get the shower to produce hot water.  That done, however, I quickly undressed and stood under the spray of water. I shivered slightly and exhaled. Thank god for hot water.

Then I reached for the soap…

Is there a nobler creature alive than the Jamaican Taxi driver? I think not, dear reader. For industry, resourcefulness and sheer entrepreneurship, I daresay few are his equal.

Now, I am sure there are those of you who will disagree with me. No doubt there are some of you who, having been involved in some unpleasant (but no doubt rare) incident with a taxi driver, may be inclined to speak less highly of the breed. Some of you, for example, will recall being trapped behind a taxi creeping along at 2 miles per hour, as its driver scanned the sidewalks for customers, oblivious to the blowing of your horn and your shouted curses. Others of you will recall having been almost run off the road by the same taximan who, having secured a customer, is now racing at an unholy speed to deliver said customer to their destination.

But there is not one of those taximen who, on your approach, will not drop everything he is doing to come to your service.  At a moment’s notice, he will do all in his power to see to it that you are conveyed safely and speedily to your destination.