In recent times thingsjamaicanslove.com has noticed an amazing rise in the number of health tonics/performance-enhancing drinks on the market. Traditional home-brewed potions like Roots, Irish Moss, Strong Back and Peanut Punch are quickly being replaced by modern mass-produced concoctions like Jagra, Power Wine, Mandingo and Magnum. But it appears that most of these products are made only for men. What about the women? Are we assuming (perhaps incorrectly) that women don’t occasionally need a little “extra help” in the boudoir?
Previously, when women complained about being “tired” and having “headaches” it was assumed (with a sigh of resignation) that they were simply making excuses because they were not “in the mood”. However, a recent study (commissioned by TJL, not yet released) shows that a staggering 71.37% of all women are frequently exhausted to the point where it significantly diminishes their libido! The percentage is even higher amongst single mothers and professional women. If this is the case, why aren’t there any performance enhancers for the Jamaican woman who needs a little “extra edge”?
Well, in the spirit of innovation and public service (for which thingsjamaicanslove.com is so well known), we’ve come up with some product ideas for performance enhancers specially designed for women that we think could fill this gap in the market. We’ve also provided some suggested taglines to help in the marketing effort:
Big Foot Country Girl: If you really want strength and endurance everyone knows there’s nothing more hard working than a good country girl.
A mix of yam extract and dasheen essence, Big Foot Country Girl is grown and manufactured in Mocho, Clarendon. Big Foot Country Girl! The perfect thing to put some energy in your love life!
Cave Woman: Taken from recipes dating back thousands of years, this blend of sarsaparilla, aloe vera, cheney root and ginseng is an ancient aphrodisiac designed to bring out the Neanderthal in any woman!
Cougar Lotion: Have your toy-boy singing “I’m in love with a girl nearly twice my age…!”
Or:
Older woman, Younger man? Anything is possible with a little Cougar Lotion!
Or:
If you want a young man, you have to perform like a young girl!
Granny’s Secret Sauce: Your Grandmother raised 14 children, cooked, cleaned and ran a small farm. You think she didn’t have some help?
Husbondage: He'll just have to tell the guys that he's not going anywhere tonight - he's all tied up!
Jamazon: For the Jamaican Amazon. Bring out the warrior queen in you!
Man beater: Tell your man there’s gonna be some “domestic violence” in the bedroom tonight!
Mateybegone: Having trouble keeping up with the younger, hotter competition? Get rid of your rivals once and for all with Mateybegone!
Man-tamer: Can’t keep up with the wild animal in your bed? Well, tame that beast with some all-natural, physician-tested Man-tamer!
Obeah woman: A secret blend of roots and herbs dating back to Africa and passed down from mother to daughter over countless generations… This is the real “Oil ah hold him”
Olympian: Who said the Jamaica’s best performances were on the track! Win a gold medal in the bedroom tonight!
Pontopper: When was the last time he looked up at you and wondered: “Wow! Where has this person been hiding?
Or:
Having problems in your love life? Get Pontopper tings with Pontopper Love Potion!
Seductress: Why stalk him, when you can seduce him instead?
Teg-eh-reg Tonic Wine: Set your inner Teg-eh-reg free! Your man will love you for it!
Turbo-Charger: A potent blend of gunpowder, diesel fuel, bird pepper and ginseng. Guaranteed to set your love life on fire!
(*Note: Turbo-Charger is not for persons with heart problems, hypertension, asthma, diabetes, arthritis, or a history of strokes. Please consult your physician before using. Side effects include fever, palpitations, nervousness, hallucinations, headache, sweating, diahorrea, rashes, bad feelings and sometimes death.)
White-Liver Love Potion: Sex drive in a bottle.... All that you’ve heard is true and now you can experience it too!
Widowmaker: Careful now... One teaspoonful of Widowmaker and you might just kill him wid it!
We are looking for financial backers for a line of locally manufactured performance enhancers for women. Serious enquiries only please.
TrackBack URI for this entry
at way doze of hus ho not suh good wid di Henglish will feel good about ourselves. We will know dat doze of you ho go to real real school and 'ave big cerfi-ticket can give us some backit...