Being a Jamaican man is not an easy task. Just figuring out what is required of you is an enormous, confusing challenge that can take a lifetime. At this point in my life I have learned only enough to know that a Jamaican man is expected, nay, required to meet a variety of contradictory and often onerous stereotypes and failing to meet even one can result in one becoming a social leper.
First and foremost a Jamaican man must not be weak. Strength and virility are prized above all else. This strength and virility is expressed in a number of ways.
Firstly, you must love the ladies. I don’t mean you must like the ladies, you must love them. You must love them like Jesus loved the little children. You must love them by the dozen and by the score. You must love them fat or slim. Tall or short. Black, white, red or brown. You must love them in the morning, at noontime and at night. You must love them in St. Elizabeth, Port Antonio and South Korea. I go further. You must love them even when they don’t love you. You must ignore the fact that you are an overweight, bald, toothless pervert and pursue them with the vigor of a young Casanova.
Let’s be very clear: the ultimate measure of the worth of a Jamaican man is his ability to conquer the fairer sex.
Next, you should have children. The more the better. This, after all, is conclusive proof of your mastery of the opposite sex. Whether these children are born in or out of wedlock is immaterial. However, if you insist on getting married and having legitimate children, you should have at least have the decency to have one or two outside the marriage... just to demonstrate that, having gotten married, you are still the lady-killer you were before getting married. Never mind that this will entail great expense and result in tense, complicated arrangements with the mothers of your offspring; your credentials as a “gyallis” will be cemented. If you can manage to have two women pregnant at the same time this is ideal. Any public utterances of disapproval will be balanced by the sly winks and knowing chuckles at the local bar. As a good friend of mine would say: “Dat deh, is man”.
These are the basic elements for establishing your strength and virility. However, there are sundry other requirements to be met by a real Jamaican man:
You must love “road”. A real Jamaican man spends as little time as possible at home. Real Jamaican men are always at the bar, at the racetrack, at cricket or at football. They may occasionally be found at work – but only as a means of supporting the aforementioned activities.
As you will have deduced from the above, a Jamaican man must love sports. Ideally, you should have represented the country, your club or your school in football, cricket or track. “Lesser sports” such as table tennis, hockey or water polo will suffice but they will hardly guarantee the respect and admiration of your peers. If your sporting career was cut short by injury (or lack of talent), or if you never had one to begin with, you should at least have a comprehensive knowledge of one of the major sports and an exhaustive knowledge of your favorite team. If you can’t rattle off the weight, shoe size and favourite colour of the wife of your favourite Manchester United player, then you have no business calling yourself a sports fan.
You must revere your high school. For a Jamaican man his high school holds a place in his heart rivaled only by that held by his mother. I am not sure if this has to do with the coming of age and the forging of treasured friendships that takes place in high school or if its simply because, for most local men, this is the last formal schooling they will receive, but for whatever reason, most Jamaican men have a fervent love of "the old school". 50 years after walking through the gates of their alma mater, most Jamaican men can name their Form teacher, supply the proper name and nickname of every member of their graduating class and sing the clean and bastardized versions of their school song. Many religious cults labour in vain to instill the fanatical loyalty displayed by male graduates of Jamaican high schools.
You must “bun b*tty man”. Translation: the abhorrence of anything remotely homosexual is de rigeur. You must use every opportunity at your disposal to express your revulsion at the morals of these deviants. You must repeat these sentiments as frequently and loudly as you can manage lest you be suspected of secretly being one of their number.
A knowledge of all things mechanical is also highly desirable. (Knowledge of politics, philosophy and current affairs is completely optional). If your lady’s car shudders to a halt on the highway, with smoke pouring from beneath the bonnet, you must appear on the scene in an instant, knowingly mutter something about the drive-shaft-radiator-transmission needing re-calibrating… and then fix the whole thing with a screwdriver and a paperclip.
If you can successfully juggle these requirements you can safely consider yourself a solid example of Jamaican manhood. You will enjoy the constant affection of Jamaican women, though you may have difficulty ever finding a settled loving relationship with one woman. In Jamaica you will be regarded as tough. Elsewhere in the world you will be regarded as cocky and aggressive. You will enjoy an excellent rapport with your male friends but will have difficulty communicating with women except on the most basic level. You will be secure in knowing that your many children will carry on your line, though, those children may not know you or, knowing you, prefer to avoid you. You will have succeeded in becoming a real Jamaican man… and not much else.
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written by squarebzz, September 29, 2011
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written by squarebzz, September 29, 2011
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written by squarebzz, September 29, 2011
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written by cinnamon, September 12, 2011
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written by Danielle, August 28, 2011
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written by Stehanie B, July 22, 2011
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written by brady o'connor, June 15, 2011
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written by Ubi, April 23, 2011
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written by Sunny, April 11, 2011
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written by necey O, March 26, 2011
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written by trish, March 05, 2011
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written by Andi Williams, February 28, 2011
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written by sweet thing, February 27, 2011
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written by henna riaz, February 07, 2011
http://www.myspace.com/hennariaz
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written by mesa, January 29, 2011
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written by Vernecia, December 27, 2010
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written by kim, July 30, 2010
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written by kat, June 11, 2010
one thing that i must add is that a jamaican man never admits he is wrong EVER!!!!!
and as for the word 'sorry'....'well sorry cyaan buy soldier lorry' ( to quote him directly lol )
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written by Marsha, April 20, 2010
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written by Nicole, January 24, 2010
. Love a Jamaican man!!! . Isn't it ironic that the most "homophobic place on earth" have such a poor emotional relationship with a female but work so hard to have the respect and admiration of their male counterpart.
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written by KMCM, December 08, 2009
Even though I born an grow a Jamaica and still live yah, I was always known for one thing - mi nuh run joke. That probably makes me un-Jamaican. I certainly will not joke about "Man" having unprotected sex with various women, producing multiple children that will starve and suffer, and passing around various venereal diseases.
This is one reason why the country bruk dung an' cyaah bill up. Well as for me, I plan to leave Jamaica at the first opportunity and when I leave I will not return, call myself a Jamaica (unless required) , or tell anyone that I'm a Jamaican until I can do something significant for my country.
What about you?
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written by courtrock77, November 07, 2009
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written by Farruk, October 14, 2009
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I am from another island which has a much better economy than Jamaica. Never once did my dates not pay for my dinner on dates, theatre or dance. Never once did a man ever ask me for money. But behold, when I went to Jamaica, things changed. First the approach, he was even bold to say that he wanted to make love to me after talking for about two nights. Of course, I was shocked, I did not go to Jamaica for sex and I did not even hold his hand. I just wanted to get away from the North American stress for the week. Swift talk and I probably was starved for a man`s attention and got mesmerized. Big mistake, I gave him my e-mail address and other particulars. I never will do that again. The e-mail and phone courtship at my expense started. The next thing that I knew was being loved over the phone. Then I was asked to send down money. Always, I love you. I went down to Jamaica a few months later. I had to pay for everything. I still did not see the red flags. I wondered why did I have to pay for the gas, etc., but I was probably glad to have the opportunity for a companion. I also want to tell you that I am not an ugly unattractive woman. Then when I returned, things got worse, money for this and that and always a sad story and when I made a big stink about it, the love started dying. Well, it has been two years now. He has now added a young one to his common law wife and needed lots of money; I don’t even have a quarter of that to pay towards a trip. Of course, I said that I did not have any. Guess what, I wonder where the love and friendship have disappeared to. I don’t even exist anymore. I have read all these posts and many on other sites. DON’T let them fool you; they have it down pat for every age, every size, and you could be the most educated person, they know how to get to you if you are lonely. They have all the lines ready. They get money from many people at the same time. The money exchange companies are very busy. Those tellers must shake their heads when they see all the money wires coming in. Sorry Jamaicans but those are the people we meet when we visit. Yes, I know that there are good men in Jamaica but we don’t meet them as tourists. The Jamaican men who are exposed to foreigners are the biggest con men who exist in the Caribbean. Another thing, what is this thing about I want you to have you to have a baby for me. Why do they feel that people must have children with them when they do not marry them and take on the responsibility for raising their children? This is one part of the culture that I really don’t understand. That does not say that people all over the world don’t have children out of wedlock but it seems to be an epidemic in Jamaica with these type of men. These type of men make me sick. How on earth can I ever trust a man again, I don’t know.
If I had a daughter, I would tell her to RUN, RUN, from Jamaican men.